In our LIVE this week a parent asked for Parenting Advice on: “How do I step back from being a FIX IT parent?”
Who is a FIX IT mother?
My parenting advice was:
A mother/parent who rushes in to solve every problem her child is facing.
Recently parents who completed the 4 Week Parent Coaching Program shared with me how the mother was rushing in at every point to ‘save’ or ‘fix’ their child who was highly sensitive. By the end of the program after my parenting advice this parent realised that instead of deeply listening and understanding her daughter’s issues she was constantly anxious as she became a ‘fix-it’ mother adding to the stress in the family environment.
In the LIVE we looked at three common scenarios and the parenting advice I gave:
1) Your child has gone to school forgetting their lunch box at home.
What would you do?
a) Rush in to school to give them the lunchbox
b) Allow your child to stay hungry?
c) Or consider that maybe your child could fend for themselves. This of course would be my advice.
2) Your child has forgotten their PE kit or project that was due for submission, and they might get a red mark in their diary.
What would you do?
If you let him/her face the consequence of forgetting and get a red line in his diary he will hopefully remember to pack his PE kit or take his submission the next time.
On the contrary if parents like you run into school – your child will not make the effort the next time to remember it – as he has not felt the negative impact of forgetting it. And you will get caught in the cycle of taking on his responsibility and reminding him constantly.
3) Your child cannot make friends and sits alone during school breaks?
Are you the parent who goes into school or to the playgrounds to force friendships onto your child.
The message you give your child is – “You cannot do this yourself and need me to save you. I don’t trust you to solve your problem. We, your parents can solve your problems.”
Your child internalises: “I don’t have confidence. I am not likeable therefore my mother needs to come to make me feel confident or likeable!”
When you take on the role of the FIX IT parent:
You deprive your child of the opportunity to use his mind and come up with a solution. You are actually doing your child a disservice.
My parenting advice for you:
To help your child gain self confidence you need to give your child the space to overcome the naturally occurring problems in their life and face the consequences and develop the required skills to overcome them.
Overcoming these small everyday problems will help your child develop the resilience within themselves so that they can face the bigger problems in life is my advice to parents.
Create a family environment where your child feels comfortable to share their mistakes with you giving them a listening ear without jumping in to FIX your child’s problems.You have to remember your child is creative, whole and resourceful and in parenting you need to help your child connect to that inner strength and develop resilience is my advice.